The Michael Bay Ambulance Movie Review Drinking Game - Pura Pura Movie

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Consequently, the people who are lucky enough to see the moving pictures and then write about them professionally tend to find themselves writing not just reviews of bad movies, but the same review of a bad movie over and again. These films are lowest-common-denominator trash, just because you can stage gajillions of explosions and endlessly wreck sports cars doesnt mean you should, all this endless Bayhem is too poorly staged to be exhilarating or even a guilty pleasure, yadda yadda yadda. It is, frankly, tiring for us and for you. Rather than just reiterate the same old arguments and adjectives for Bays latest collection of booms, crashes, pows, squeals and kablams, were going to try something a little different.

Ambulance centers around two brothers, Will (Watchmens Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) and Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal), who find themselves in the middle of a bank robbery gone very. very wrong. (Wait, theyre brothers, you ask? Yes, Dannys dad took Will in as a kid. Several people also express bewilderment at this fact during the movie. They are quickly greeted by eyerolls.) They end up commandeering an ambulance see title as an emergency getaway car. An EMT (Eiza Gonzlez) and a severely wounded cop (Jackson White) are along for the ride. A special-ops unit of the LAPD, an FBI agent, a host of helicopters and roughly 72,000 black-and-white police cruisers chase the crooks and their hostages all around Los Angeles. Is this all merely an excuse to show off firepower and fireballs, albeit at less of the usual budget (a mere $40 million, which is roughly the cost of a single Transformers tune-up)? Yes. Yes, it is.

So, as a public service to our readers because we like you, we really, really like you! weve devised a drinking game to be played while watching this magnum opus. While we do not condone the excessive consumption of alcohol, or sneaking spirits and other such beverages into a theater, or any display of public intoxication, we also do not think you should endure Ambulance while being sober. If you are in recovery, by the way, we offer you a sincere congratulations. We also recommend you go see Sonic the Hedgehog 2 instead.

Beginners Round

Take a sip of your favorite stout or IPA:

~Theres a shot of something a hand, a head, a building, a gun and/or guns filmed with the sun behind it, thus backlighting the object in question with more wattage than necessary. Take two sips if the item is an American flag, majestically blowing in the breeze.

~Someone mentions Wills military service. A former Marine who did a tour in Afghanistan (thank you for your service, sir), we meet him when hes on the phone with a veterans center, trying to get some info regarding payments for his wifes cancer treatments. He quickly finds himself getting the high hat and a lot of bureaucratic red-tape mumbo-jumbo. Its this tough spot, in fact, that forces Will to to visit his neer-do-well brother and ask for a loan. Take two sips if you agree that the way that the government treats its veterans is beyond shoddy, shameful and rage-inducing. Take three sips if you feel that a movie exploiting this notion so it can crash cars on the 405 is not so great, either.

~If youre convinced that Dannys crew of criminal cohorts came from Central Casting. (Wanted: Burly, bearded men who resemble ex-Navy SEALs. Must inspire random mentions of Braveheart.) Ditto the elite Los Angeles law-enforcement squad that is staking out the bank theyre about to rob, as theyve been trailing Danny for a while and feel that this time, theyve finally got him right where they want him!

~At the idea that a perfectly planned heist can be undone by a single socially awkward police officer whos super-horny for a bank teller. Actually, this is our favorite plot point in the entire movie. Cheers to you, Ambulance.

~Whenever the big shoot-out that happens between cops and crooks on the streets of L.A. reminds you of the big set piece in Heat. Take two sips for every shot that makes you realize that you could be watching Heat at home right now, doing this exact same sequence only a whole helluva lot better and with more A-to-B coherence. Take three steps if youd simply settle for watching Den of Thieves instead at this point.

~When you know you just know that Gonzlezs EMT will be described as the best paramedic in the business, but no one wants to be her partner with her because she is a loose cannon. (Spoiler: She is the best paramedic in the business, but no one wants to be her partner because she is a loose cannon.)

~If the presence of a large dog belonging to the commander of that special-ops unit somehow factors into the narrative. Two sips for every reaction shot involving the dog looking humorously puzzled by something.

~Every time a drone shot occurs. Oh my god, there are so many drone shots in this film zipping down the sides of buildings, whizzing over the heads of actors, flying headfirst into oncoming traffic or as a group of people are running toward the camera. Did Michael Bay get a drone for Christmas? It feels like every other action sequence, and a good number of inaction sequences, cut to an angle filmed from a speeding drone-mounted camera. And while we understand that when youre only working with $40 million youve got to operate in different, more imaginative ways, the barrage of dipping and diving shots here is less likely to thrill you and more likely to cause mass vomiting. (Rolling Stone can not be held liable for any damages incurred while adhering to the rule.)

Intermediate Round

Down a shot of bourbon:

~Whenever someone in Ambulance references other Michael Bay movies. At one point, someone quotes a line from The Rock and then, should you not recognize where it comes from, yells, The Rock! When two cops exit a squad car, someone makes a Bad Boys crack. There may be others we missed. The ego has landed.

~When you think to yourself, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II is one of the most compelling actors working today, and that you hope he emerges from this disaster unscathed. Take two shots every time you see hints of Crazy Jake start to bleed into Jake Gyllenhaals performance. You know Crazy Jake, right? Thats the stars unpredictable, unhinged, bug-eyed alter ego that shows up in movies like Okja, Velvet Buzzsaw, some bits of Spider-Man: Far From Home and every second of the classic Mr. Music sketch. Take three shots if you wish he simply turned his sociopathic half of this strained Cain-and-Able parable into a full Crazy Jake marathon.

~Every time you realize that Garret Dillahunt is a freaking national treasure, and that every movie that requires a slightly jaded, mostly hardass, overly confident and very snarky captain of a commando anti-robbery unit should cast him in that role, full stop. Two shots for when he makes a Doogie Howser joke and someone says, Ok, Boomer to him. Three shots for the way he calls somebody a Silverlake liberal.

~Whenever Bay and his cinematographer Roberto De Angelis move their camera in and out of a bullet hole in the ambulances back window. Be very careful with this one.

~If a car chase involving someone driving the wrong way down the Los Angeles freeway reminds you of the big set piece in To Live and Die in L.A. Take two shots for every moment that you realize that you could be watchingTo Live and Die in L.A. at home right now instead.

~Whenever Will has a teary, very sentimental moment involving his family especially his infant son, nicknamed Big Man Tate. Take two shots if you mistakenly believe that Big Man Tate is the name of a Jodie Foster movie.

Advanced Round

Slug a mouthful of that sweet, sweet Everclear:

~If you think that the Los Angeles river would not somehow play a key part in this film at some point. (Spoiler: It does.)

~When a vintage R&B, soul or Top 40 song comes on the soundtrack. Two shots if one of those songs inspires an unexpected and inexplicable sing-along. Three shots if it is Christopher Crosss Sailing.

~If you did not know this movie is a remake of a 2005 Danish movie. (Were drinking, as we did not know, either.) Two shots if you realize that after a little digging online, you could be at home watching the original at home right now.

~If you somehow think that a muscle car with a mannequin and a Gatling gun inside of it will not come into play at some point. (Spoiler: It will)

~Once you realize that this movie is 136 minutes long.

~When you begin to question the life choices that you have made and thus led you to where you are sitting at this very moment.

~If you would literally kill to see a giant robot show up and turn into a bulldozer or a plane of something, then just crush 90-percnt of the people responsible for this brouhaha.